I almost killed myself yesterday.
I was so close to death last month too.
I wanted to wreck my car into a wall last week.
I imagined what it would feel like if someone would stab me.
I thought about how it would feel to die while drowning or if my ears would hurt under the water.
I stare out into blank space thinking about different ways to die sometimes.
I want to kill myself even more knowing my daughter needs me to be alive, because there really is no escape.
I feel heavy. I feel so blank as if I switched the off button in my chest. How could I feel this way? Right. I hear it all the time. “It’ll get better” “you’ll be okay” “you have your daughter” “Its not even that bad”.
Constantly I think there has to be another way to be happy. I wouldn’t just be here living and breathing for no reason at all. But honestly? I hate the same routine I have every day. I change it up all the time and yet it still feels like every feeling in my soul does not want to be alive anymore.
I used to feel weak saying that I wanted to die, but now I feel so much pride in saying it because I truly feel with every fiber in me that I do not want to be here. Its not like anyone takes me serious anyways. No one checks up on me, its not anyone job to make sure Im doing okay. Im an adult and I could get therapy and I could work on selfcare but I don’t. What’s the point? I have done it all before. I just gave up on the fact that what Im doing in life is useful.
Im not just writing this to get attention. I don’t even know if Im going to post this. All I will hear later is that life will get better, you need therapy, youre a bad mom blah blah blah. So tell me why I have been waiting for death to arrive everyday since I was 15? Its this weight in my chest that’s constantly there. Especially when Im most distracted this weight weighs the most. I could be driving or talking to people completely oblivious, without thinking about death at all and ding its back again. It doesn’t ever leave.
I don’t really care if people think Im a bad mom for having these thoughts all the time. I know Im a wonderful mom and my daughter has everything and anything and is probably the happiest baby you’ll ever encounter. I am still human. I am still here because of her. I am so sad, so fucking sad but for right now she’s the reason Im breathing. Im not going to make her feel like its ever her responsibility to keep me here, but just for now Im holding on.
My body hurts from being so drained and this weight in my chest makes me so quiet and tired. Finally writing this down and actually rereading it helps the weight lighten. It isn’t anyone job to help me, so here I am trying to take steps to help myself. I do not feel guilty for writing this because its helped me more than anything has in a while.
I am not afraid to die, I am afraid to live.
I heard sleep is the cousin of death. Maybe ill sleep for a while.
Until next time,