This is my depression.

I almost killed myself yesterday.

I was so close to death last month too.

I wanted to wreck my car into a wall last week.

I imagined what it would feel like if someone would stab me.

I thought about how it would feel to die while drowning or if my ears would hurt under the water.

I stare out into blank space thinking about different ways to die sometimes.

I want to kill myself even more knowing my daughter needs me to be alive, because there really is no escape.

I feel heavy. I feel so blank as if I switched the off button in my chest. How could I feel this way? Right. I hear it all the time. “It’ll get better” “you’ll be okay” “you have your daughter” “Its not even that bad”.

Constantly I think there has to be another way to be happy. I wouldn’t just be here living and breathing for no reason at all. But honestly? I hate the same routine I have every day. I change it up all the time and yet it still feels like every feeling in my soul does not want to be alive anymore.

I used to feel weak saying that I wanted to die, but now I feel so much pride in saying it because I truly feel with every fiber in me that I do not want to be here. Its not like anyone takes me serious anyways. No one checks up on me, its not anyone job to make sure Im doing okay. Im an adult and I could get therapy and I could work on selfcare but I don’t. What’s the point? I have done it all before. I just gave up on the fact that what Im doing in life is useful.

Im not just writing this to get attention. I don’t even know if Im going to post this. All I will hear later is that life will get better, you need therapy, youre a bad mom blah blah blah. So tell me why I have been waiting for death to arrive everyday since I was 15? Its this weight in my chest that’s constantly there. Especially when Im most distracted this weight weighs the most. I could be driving or talking to people completely oblivious, without thinking about death at all and ding its back again. It doesn’t ever leave.

I don’t really care if people think Im a bad mom for having these thoughts all the time. I know Im a wonderful mom and my daughter has everything and anything and is probably the happiest baby you’ll ever encounter. I am still human. I am still here because of her. I am so sad, so fucking sad but for right now she’s the reason Im breathing. Im not going to make her feel like its ever her responsibility to keep me here, but just for now Im holding on.

My body hurts from being so drained and this weight in my chest makes me so quiet and tired. Finally writing this down and actually rereading it helps the weight lighten. It isn’t anyone job to help me, so here I am trying to take steps to help myself. I do not feel guilty for writing this because its helped me more than anything has in a while.

I am not afraid to die, I am afraid to live.

I heard sleep is the cousin of death. Maybe ill sleep for a while.

Until next time,

Blue

You know, I didn’t know I was sad until I looked in the mirror and my hair was blue. I didn’t know I was sad until I sat on my couch in a huge empty apartment alone.  I didn’t know I was sad until I started to hate going to the job I used to love.

This isn’t about me being sad, because I am not a sad or emotional person in the slightest.  This is just me expressing myself.  In all honesty I can’t tell if I am the black sheep of the family.  Maybe I can just be the blue sheep, because I am always feeling blue. I don’t know if thats a thing or not but it is today.  My new motto is “feeling blue? just dye your hair blue”.

SO anyways, I got new roommates and that helps fade the blue a little. Now I don’t have a huge empty apartment to sit alone in anymore. So that cancels one thing out. I just need to work on a couple more things to move on. In my last blog I talked about bouncing back and getting my life together, well how the fuck do you even start. And how the fuck do you keep going after starting? I guess it’s all in the grind.

I have read maybe like five books about keeping up with the grind but it all just goes over my head. I figured out that sometimes you just have to get away from everything and really take a moment to process life. Honestly really think about everything that is going on, run through it and take it in. I know it’s hard to remember to do this but when you’re feeling like life is happening too fast its time to really think about whats going on. This is the first step I am trying to do to succeed in bouncing back.

I don’t know, I’m just taking steps as slow and careful as I can. I can’t fuck up this time.

Until Next Time,

Finally!

Hello Hello Hello!!!!!

 

It seems like forever since I have written anything on here. Honestly I have been writing in my notebook I have because I usually don’t carry around my laptop enough to be typing. Also, I haven’t had a lot to talk about! I mean, since the last time I wrote anything my daughter turned one, I graduated high school, got a new and amazing job, and bought a car. I aaaaalso went on the Carnival cruise and happen to go to Mexico and Catalina Island. But you know, I have nothing to talk about. HAHA

I don’t know I just feel like instead of writing everything down as it goes, just live life and tell stories later. I’m not that exciting, so my blogs are always so little when I type. SO I am glad I have enough time to actually sit down and just type everything out.

Not to mention today is my big 21!!! (also crazy because I just graduated high school)  Which is kinda a funny story because I got held back in life so much and I was finally able to kinda catch up. IN fact, I wrote and gave an entire speech at my graduation about how I got to where I am, and that graduating really matters. It was in front of hundreds of people… no pressure or anything. I am super proud of that because after I gave my speech everyone was clapping and the one person I did this for MY DAUGHTER was there in the audience clapping too!! Never have I been more proud of myself.

Maybe at this point in the blog I am just rambling but I really love my job. I actually LOVE going to work every day. I get in my car and I don’t hate the fact that I am about to go to work. I take so much pride in it as well. I would love to possibly expand this career later on in life, who knows. I do know that things always get bad before they can be good. Other wise if things were always good all the time, would they even be good things? Or just normal because you have nothing to compare it to?

I found out recently that my parents are not the only ones who read my blog! which kind of made me want to write more. Even if you guys just skimmed through it, it still means a lot to me to take time out of your day to read them, so thank you.

ahhh this entire time I was typing my thoughts came out faster than I could type and I had to retype a lot of things. But it’s all cool and beans from here on out.

 

Email me for any questions! Diamondcbiehl@yahoo.com

 

Until next time,

 

 

 

Ma-MA

Being a mom is kinda hard.  People say “Well thats because youre a young mother”.  Okay, I get it. That doesn’t mean that even if I were 30 years old and had my first baby things wouldn’t be any easier. It’s so hard to be a mother who works full time because I barley get alone time. As soon as I get off work I have to get to my daughter and start being a mom again.

Not saying that being a mom is horrible or anything. I love my baby, I would do anything and everything for her. Seriously.. anything she needs I will be the first one to get to her. She is an angel sent to me, I swear to you. My life was going downhill before she came along and fixed everything.

I think the hard part is having to do so much for an entire person and basically do the same thing for yourself too. Being a mom is exactly like being two entire people…or three or four if you have more than one kid. Such as eating, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, and resting. It’s hard to do those things yourself because your babies always come first.

The awesome part is at the end of the day when you finally put the baby to sleep and you can lay down and relax. Knowing that everything you did today, and yesterday and the day before, was worth all of the hard work. It was worth seeing my baby happy, healthy, and safe with me. I know being a mom is one of the hardest jobs ever, but now someone looks up to you. You have to do it. You have to do this for your baby, and you have to do this for you too.

 

Until Next Time,

One Step Forward, Three steps back.

I guess the reason I don’t know myself anymore is because I stopped writing. I stopped expressing myself and started bottling everything up. I feel that my life isn’t supposed to be good, like I’m supposed to always feel trapped. Some birds are trapped in cages their entire lives.

I had it good for a while because I was alone. While being alone I started a job, bought a car, bought a laptop, and got to spend every single day with my daughter. This was within two months and that is a pretty big jump for me. I slowly started making friends and having a lot of confidence. I also started school and got my last couple of credits finished so now I am able to graduate officially on May 31, (yay me).

I guess I stopped writing because I felt like I didn’t have anything to write down because I was too busy living my life. Now I am not alone anymore, and things are going backwards. I could list everything going bad for me but why do I have to be so cruel to myself? It’s obviously a big change in my life that I need to make sure I get in charge with before I mess everything up.

I NEED to put my priorities first before I fuck everything up. So here I am again, starting over on a different path trying to find how to live my life how I need it to be. My daughter also deserves everything in this world and I cannot let her down. I am a parent, and that comes first.

Anyways, I might start writing again. It’s not like anyone reads these anyways.

Until Next Time,

It has started.

Hey,

Image result for subway
My life so far.

I haven’t been writing as much lately. I have a lot on my plate, I started a job. I have been here for almost 2 months now. It isn’t the best job, but I love it. I love working here, plus I love the free subs I eat. Of course working at Subway isn’t the best job in the world, but I actually enjoy it and plan on working here for a while.

In the two months of working here, I bought myself a car and a nice laptop. Also a lot of small things too like Gas, license plates, diapers, ect. I have tried all 2017 to buy a car and a laptop and I finally got to. I am proud of myself because I am back in school and I take care of my daughter by myself. My mom helps me take care of Olivia when I’m at work or have to go to the store or something, but I am basically a single parent right now.

My daughter is 7 months old now. She has two teeth and can sit up by herself! She always says nana and dada but barley ever says mama. She is still learning how to crawl, but she is almost there. She doesn’t like strangers and she loves sweet potatoes. It sucks that she still gets up three times a night. That’s the only thing I really hate about being a parent.

Anyways I will be writing more so I will make this short for now.

until next time,

Who are you?

“Who are you?”

That’s probably the most asked question to myself. I always sit and think and think all day long about who I am. I honestly feel like I over think that question sometimes.

Am I someone who loves music and art and anything creative? Am I a person who loves being busy all the time but enjoys never having a break? Do I even like being a big sister or a girlfriend or someone’s first born daughter? I always color my hair and I always change my clothes.

I am a mom now, and it’s so fucking hard. Just let me tell you how fucking hard it is to be someone’s mother. I can’t sleep, my hands are always full, I have spit up all over my shirts all the time. The screaming and crying is what drives me insane. I don’t really have time to find myself right now. I am always so stressed.

I just moved to Denver Colorado with my family. A lot has been going on, new people and new jobs. Everything is new actually. I came here to start over, so I could get my life together. This is my journey to find myself and to help Austin (my boyfriend) find himself too. Being a new parent is so hard, but that’s for another blog one day.

I don’t really want to write a lot in this episode. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.

Until next time,

My C-Section Experience.

Hi.

It’s been a long time since I had the time to actually sit down and write something. Or, maybe I had the time, maybe I just didn’t have the motivation.

I definitely have the motivation now. I just had a baby!!! Ahhh, pretty exciting. I need to write about everything that happened so later I can look back on it. I really want to know what I was feeling in 10/20 years. So, here I go.

It started off by going to the actual appointment of the c-section. It was at 3:30 but they told me to come in at 1:30 so the nurses could get me prepared for the surgery. I was so excited coming up the elevator to the floor I had to be at. I remember it was on the third floor, in the yellow area at Riverside Hospital.

My Mom, my brother Manuel, and my boyfriend Austin all came back into the room with me. That’s where the nurse had put my IV in my arm, gave me my gown to wear, and shaved all my little hairs off my belly. I was getting so nervous, I had to sign a lot of paper work and that’s when I knew things were actually going to happen today.

The nurse gave Austin a white cloth outfit to put over his actual clothes. He had to wear a blue hate and white cloth over his shoes. He even had to wear a blue face mask. He looked just like a doctor.

austin

After the waiting for two hours, my Mom and Manuel went to the waiting room and it was just me and Austin alone in the room. We were so nervous and couldn’t stop about how nervous we actually were. The doctor came in and told Austin to put everything in a locker, like our babies diaper bag and my purse.

Austin had to wait outside the operating room while they got me ready. I had no idea that the room was so bright and empty like. It looked like almost 10 nurses and one bed was in the middle of this really bright room. They put me on the bed and had to put a spinal in my back. It’s almost like an epidural, I have no idea what the differences are. It didn’t hurt at all. It wasn’t even as bad as when they the IV in my hand.

I thought everything was going to be okay, I had laid down on the bed flat on my back and that’s when I started to panic. My daughter always crushed my lungs when I laid down because she is so big. Not only was that the problem, I wasn’t allowed to move so it made me panic even more. I couldn’t move my legs, only my toes and things got worse for me. I started to throw up, and I couldn’t get up at all, so it was just me laying down while vomit fell out the side of my mouth.

After I threw up, I started to calm down. They put breathing tubes around me so it would help me breathe. That is when Austin was allowed in the room and I calmed down all the way. This was me, after I had calmed down.

docotrs

I was actually really surprised it didn’t take that long. It was only about 45 minutes and it seemed faster than that. I remember Austin was saying “Oh my god, Diamond I see her!! I see her!!!” It got me so excited and I didn’t hear her cry or anything at first and it scared me. After a couple minutes she was screaming her head off. I didn’t get to see her for 5 minutes after she was out, so Austin took my phone and went over to her and took a picture and came back to my table and showed me. I was so happy to finally see her face. I couldn’t stop smiling and wanting her near me. I couldn’t believe I had actually made something so amazing and so beautiful. I was so proud of myself for over coming a lot of things for her. I loved her inch of her that I saw.

After they had put staples to keep my cut shut, they put me on a different bed, and handed me my daughter Olivia Snow Hayes-Biehl. They pushed us to the recovery room where we had out skin to skin time. I couldn’t stop staring at her. It felt impossible to stop starring at her. We had what they called “kangaroo Time” for two hours before they put us in our hospital room.

My mom and Manuel were the firsts to come in the room, because they had been waiting in the waiting room for hours. After they saw her for about 15 minutes everyone else came to the room and saw her. I was upset I had to let go of her tiny body, but I know every one was so excited too.

After everyone had left I was still pretty soar. My body was still numb from the spinal and I couldn’t stand up. When the nurse helped me up blood had just poured out of me. I was wearing a catheter to help me pee, and these weird balloon things were on my feet poofing up and down. The doctor said it was to help me not form a blood clot. I was also taking oxycodone 5mg 2 pills each time.

After everything calmed down, I loved everything about my life in this moment. I loved everything about my family.

fa

Until Next Time,

whenever that is.

Music to me

I can’t get my mind off the fact that my life is complete shit. I wish someone would help me, but I know that the world is very small and not everyone can help. I guess I’m trying to write because I need to get a lot of stress off my chest. This is how I calm down.

Right now I am sitting at Tim Hortons and listening to The Front Bottoms while writing this. I need a new life. A new everything I guess. I always thought relationships are supposed to last long, but not everything is like that I guess. I want to be happy again, how do I make myself happy? How how how?

Someone please write down the instructions to happiness because I would follow them line for line. My dad thinks I should move to Denver, or away from where I am right now. I know he’s right, but my heart is stuck in the wrong place. 

I still really miss Alyssa. 

I need to find a new way to escape reality. Obviously not a drug because I’m pregnant, but some other type of way to get my mind off of how shitty my life is. I always thought that’s what boyfriend’s were for, but mine just stresses me out even more.

Only two things get my mind distracted. Music and Writing are those two things. I wish I met someone who felt the same. Someone who could just lay in bed with me for days talking about the universe and how things work and how writing is an escape. 

I don’t know who I am anymore. 
Until next time,
Just a reminder of what is most important in my life. 

I thought I loved my life.

I thought I loved my life. I thought I had great friends and a great family. I thought my room looked so cool and the things I did were goals to other people. I thought that my path was to go somewhere far and somewhere amazing. It’s not like that at all.

So far 2017 is not the year for me. I have created a version of myself that I hate. I hate the things in my life, the people in my life, and the actions in my life. 2016 was an amazing year and even though I was an emotional rollercoaster, I fucking loved who I was.

Now everything is different. I hate who I am. I don’t want to be me, I don’t want this life, and I don’t want anything to do with it. I guess the real question is, how did I get here? How did my life end up this shitty? I want to be a different person again and feel free. I loved the feeling of freedom. I wish you could just drop all your emotions and start over. 

Falling in love and getting pregnant is not what I expected either. There are rules to everything. People are mean and you have to be responsible about things. Being 6 months pregnant has hurt my heart. I’m not who I am anymore. Even my boyfriend said I had lost my personality. 

I miss Alyssa a lot. Even though everyone would judge me for saying that, I miss her so much.

I can’t change my life because a lot of things are in the way. I need my old life back. If I could make a wish right now, I’d wish for things to be happy. Because I am far from happy anymore. I’m so sad all the time, and I have no one to help me. I need to help myself.

Fuck anyone who says that I won’t be a good mom because I know I will be. I’m allowed to miss things and wish for things that will never happen. Today is also my 1 year anniversary with these posts and I’m still pretty emotional in every one of them. 

Well, I guess I’m finished writing down my feelings for now. 

Until next time,